Monday, August 25, 2008

The Doctor will see you now....

I am not a doctor person...I don't dislike them, I just have learned who to deal with most of the pains in my body by myself. I guess this is also why I got meningitis seven years ago...the viral kind...the kind where you let yourself get sick and stay sick...I had a baby and a toddler, who had time to slow down much less go to the is much more fun to wait till they have to quarantine you!

Anyways I am currently about a year and a half over due for my physical...I don't think that is too bad...the fact that I was supposed to have a ultrasound and bloodwork done well over a year ago is beside the point. I have been thinking now that my life is returning to normal I should schedule that appointment...Hubby is much better about this, he is doing a good job taking care of himself. So I keep telling myself "just get through the first two weeks of school then you can make all your appointments and take care of yourself"'s a novel idea!

I don't dislike my doctor, he is funny and very easy going, I am finding out that alot of people I know go to him...hubby included. He is attentive and willing to listen when most other doctors tell me I am full of shit...really people I know my body...just listen! Anyhow, I really have no excuses I need to make that appointment!

There is a reason I bring all this up...see I was at a meeting this weekend...Miss Sassy's dance company...just a parent's meeting to tell us how stressed how great this year was going to be. We have a relatively small company, maybe 40 dancers this year, but we are good...people are traveling 2 hours to be in our company...I really do feel blessed for Miss Sassy and our family...for the most part it is a fun crowd. We have new students this year, eight according to Miss Sassy, I noticed new parent faces while coming in but didn't have time to really look, seeing as I was late like usual. Lucky for me Hubby was there waiting to trade off kids. As Hubby was leaving he whispered something in my ear...I made him repeat it, possibly three times, because really he can't be right. Sitting less than 10 feet away from me was...MY DOCTOR...are you kidding me??? At the exact moment I could have sworn I heard God laughing at me!! I mean really we have 40 freaking dancers, most are siblings so what 25 parents, and there are tons of dance companies around here!! I was convinced Hubby was wrong...I knew he wasn't but I had to come home and look up his wife's name, not I don't stalk much thanks for asking, just to convince myself!! CRAP!!!

Dammit now I have lost all my excuses...I am sure some of you are wondering why I am so concerned...let me child is now at the dance studio 11 hours a week...we all travel together...we all eat together...we all drink together...did I mention that I am currently the jackass that stepped up to coordinate events for the company?!

I cannot look this man in the eye and tell him I just forgot...I will see him at least once a freaking just can't lie to someone you are going to see that much!!! Well I guess on the upside maybe he will see why I am so stressed all the time and possibly prescribe me some Valium!!!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Spinning on that dizzy edge....

And now because I mentioned them I feel like I MUST share....

One of my three most favorite songs EVER...and the reason I fell in love with The Cure!! Hubby knows that I will physical harm him if this song is playing and he attempts to stop it, change the channel or talk during it!! There are priorities - sometimes Robert Smith and Bono top them!!


I had to come back and add this...I have been a bit disappointed by The Cure in the past few years but I am ecstatic about the release of a few of their newer songs(past 4 months or so) they are sounding more like their old selves...makes me so happy!!!

I might have just fallen in love with Robert Smith again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So out of the loop!!!!

So today I see this headline 'Miley Cyrus' black-sheep brother has a band'...well I am about over this girls are over her too...way over her...thank the Lord...but I feel compelled to lead me here....!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her brother sings Shake It...WHAT? That is craziness I tell you! It is one of those songs on the radio that just gets stuck in my head...maybe it's the beat, maybe it's the fact that it reminds me a bit of The Cure...anyone who knows me knows I at one point wanted to marry Robert Smith! It is a boppy little song with just a hit of emoism(yes I know this is not a word but I am still using it) and whining! I am sure they will be a one hit wonder but for now I will just enjoy the song even more knowing that is what is going to become of Miley...she is gonna go to the dark side...maybe I won't hate her nearly as much!

It is amazing the little things that can make my day! :)

For your listening/viewing pleasure...

What's in a Name?...

Well let's evaluate the name Fay seeing as she is sticking around like an unwanted house guest...

Fay means faith, trust, confidence...hmmm...I have faith that I will make it through another day when my children have no school....I trust that I will not kill them, I cannot guarantee they will not spend the day in their individual rooms...I am confident that by the end of the day I will be drunk, thus keeping me from killing them!!

Thanks Fay for another fun filled day!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Out of Chaos Comes...

I enjoy chaos...this is not a confession but rather a statement. Chaos suits my personality, it makes up a good portion of my personality. I understand that alot of my drama comes from the fact that I live in every way - my life, my house, my kids. As I am trying to get my house together now that school has started and I have less chaos in the way of my extra stuff I threw in my life (PTA, obligations) I have realized that alot of the reason I live in chaos is avoidance. God, that is SO cliche!!! There is an awful lot to avoid in my life, let me tell ya!!Anyhow I thought it would be a good topic for my quotes this week...

Chaos in the world brings uneasiness, but it also allows the opportunity for creativity and growth. ~ Tom Barrett

Chaos is the score upon which reality is written. ~ Henry Miller

It turns out that an eerie type of chaos can lurk just behind a facade of order - and yet, deep inside the chaos lurks an even eerier type of order. ~ Douglas Hostadter

Chaos is a friend of mine. ~ Bob Dylan

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Can I apologize?

So apparently I tested the gods...I wrote about the fact that we may have to miss school if Tropical Storm Fay did not behave...well dammit here I sit at 8:30am my kids school be in a nice school building far away from me...instead they are curled up safely in their beds as our Superintendent decided we needed to keep them for one more day! It's a conspiracy I tell is part of their idea to save money at the schools...kind of like the moronic choice to make high school start at 9am and middle school start at 7am! I believe Karen has the right idea with this one...a scientific study to see how many middle schooler in our neighborhood get pregnant now that they are home unsupervised from 1:30pm on!! Geniuses I tell ya!!

Anyhow, this was supposed to be my first full day with all three kids months...I was looking forward to it, dreaming about it actually. Granted I only planned on cleaning my house but really it was going to be all by myself, well minus the hubby working downstairs! I love my kids and yes I was a bit sentimental yesterday but it was fleeting...really it feel good for them to my friend pointed out I let hubby take them to school...on the first day!! So here I sit with rain and potential tornadoes...nothing like years of past...Charley and whatnot...but even the freaking trash guys came!!! I don't understand if it is safe for huge trucks to be roaming around with large amounts of debris in them why oh why can my children NOT go to school!!!!

Now really do I want them at school with tornadoes as a threat....I guess not...but really it is Florida people that is every afternoon!!!! On the upside I cleaned ALOT yesterday...bathrooms, tons of laundry...see I remember when we had no power for 5 days...granted I deserted with a friend to a hotel by Disney that had power, more importantly air conditioning, I mean I had a 6 week old...but we did call Karen regularly to find out how much it sucked over here. Anyhow I had laundry everywhere and the house was a mess, did I mention I had a six week old, and I swear a few days of no power mixed with a messy house is not pleasant. So yes, on the upside TS Fay made me clean...alot...yeah for her!!

So the plan for the day is playing at a friend's house if it is rainy and if the sun is out AT ALL we swim at my place...really sounds an awful lot like my summer!!!!!!!! UGH!! Wish me luck that all three girls make it to school at least a few days this week!!

Monday, August 18, 2008

I am a rock...

Okay...first day back...I am a rock...I am ready for them to head back to the wonderful place called school. They look beautiful...we have already managed to lose shoes on the first day though...Lord it is going to be a LONG year...I feel it in my bones. But I am a rock, I am ready...until my oldest dressed in her cute dress with legging, matching none the less...this is a rarity in my house with her, even her patrol belt I said I am a rock...until she reminds me that this is her last first day at Elementary school...I am not a rock I am a ball of mush!!! This time next year I will have a middle schooler, an elementary schooler and a kindergartner!!!! I am so not a rock!!! The tears are forming!!!!

I am a bad mom...I should have done something special to make this moment last...keep her young forever! I only have eight more years with her....this is not going well! First day back was supposed to make me happy...yeah, not happy!!! Okay, time to compose myself before hubby gets home from taking them to school and he sees what a total dork I am!!!!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Back to School...

School starts tomorrow here! Well that is if Tropical Storm/Hurricane Faye behaves and stays away. I am happy and sad all at once. Happy for the kids to go back...I love them but we are all under each other's is time. Sad because I have to get back to driving everyone around, feeling hectic and crazy, like I have no real time with my kids. The good thing this year is I feel enlightened...I have learned to say no and am feeling good about it. I will be glad to help when needed but I will not be at anyone's beck and call this time has been three years since that happened...feels kind of warm and fuzzy inside!! What I am really looking forward to is floating on a raft in my new gazillion dollar pool ALL alone!!!! Maybe if she promises to be quiet I will even invite my friend Karen.... :)

Monday, August 11, 2008

Through the Looking Glass....

I do have to thank my mother for one me the desire to be better than be the mom that loves her kids more than herself, the kind of mom that considers her children a gift, the kind of mom that would do anything to protect them, the kind of mom that is proud of her daughters...proud of the daughter that just came up and hugged me just because she heard the "In My Daughter's Eyes" playing from across the room and knew that I just needed her near me...without saying a word until asking if I was okay. So yes, I guess I do owe her a bit of thanks...thank you for making me see the value of my family and the love of my children!

Down the rabbit hole....

So this blog has been rambling around in my head for a while now...I have been having trouble putting it down...not sure how much of myself I should share with the blogsphere. At this point I figure maybe if I write it the ramblings in my head will stop and that will be a good therapy so to speak.

My grandmother, my mother's mother, died a year ago this week. My grandmothers, both of them were the only people I really relied on in my life. I didn't take it well...I knew she was sick...I wanted to go to KY to see her but right when we were headed to vacation she seemed to get better...I talked to her everyday...she knew her time was near...she was at peace...I was still not ready. Her death made me essentially an orphan...I was really not ready for that...but the thing I was most unprepared for was the fact that I would have to occupy the same space as my mother again.

See I use the term orphan because in my mind my mother died almost 13 years ago when she chose her husband over me...when she chose to cut me off...maybe I cut her off...but it is her job as a mother not to allow that to happen. While the death of my grandmother was painful the idea of being five feet away from my mother and her not even trying to speak to me was heart wrenching.

My stepfather was not a good mother knew this and was/is too weak to do anything about it. When I went to college my mother knew how cruel he had been to me and stayed while I left. I was 18...all I had left in the world were my two grandmothers...I think they hoped one day she would wise up and step the meantime they took her place. For the next 12 years I spoke to my mother on three occasions...never very pleasant...formalities really. She has never met her grandchildren...she doesn't deserve to.

I sat in a funeral home for hours upon hours for my grandmother's mother on one side, me on the other...the rest of the family trying to figure out what the hell to do. She was crying not because of her mother, whom she also all but cut ties with, but because she saw her grandchildren for the first time ever and she could not touch or speak to them. Truth be told I felt a little bit of vindication at also torn me apart. It torn me apart even more to watch my children watch her...they were naturally curious...and more painful yet was having to explain to my oldest why speaking to her or the bad man with her was not an option. I went a little crazy for those couple of days...probably close to certifiable crazy...I was not at my best to say the least.

I hate my mother, but I also love my mother....that is so hard to understand...I am not ready to offer up all the details of my life to the world wide web...but I will say that the choices she made were inconceivable to most people. She truly does not deserve a place in my life much less my heart...but there she is...I just can't seem to turn that off.

We did not talk the entire time we were was SO surreal...SO painful. I am an only child and I realize one day I am going to have to in some way care for my mother...even if it is seeing to her getting in a nursing home that will not abuse her, although some days I think maybe I shouldn't care. I just can't turn off the part of me that wants her to love me, wants her to know and except she was wrong....I am also not naive enough to think those things will ever is so disheartening. I am not sure how that is supposed to make me feel.

I have a wonderful family and wonderful in laws...but it is not the same. So now I am thinking it has been a year since I have seen her...I sent her a sympathy card...I stupidly keep reaching...she never acknowledged it. I think I set myself up again, I hoped that she would want to open some line of communication...not that I know how I would even react to that. Here we are a year later and nothing...I thought this was going to get easier as time reality it is so much worse...I realize time is limited...realize that there is a chance that I may never speak to her again...I am not even sure what to do with that.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

We all have them....

Karen decided I was not blogging enough and that she needed to know something new about me...not sure I will be obliging on that last part...but I have been are the rules...

1. Link to the person who tagged you. (See above.)
2. Mention the rules on your blog. (Here they are.)
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag six fellow bloggers by linking them. (Yeah, so I probably won't do this part)
5. Leave a comment on each of the six blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged. (Again, with the if you want to play feel free)

On with the show...

Drama's Quirks

I am an organized person underneath my mounds of clutter...this makes my mother in law laugh as grandmother in law asked for wrapping paper one day which I brought out in a pretty container with everything organized neatly inside...MIL had to explain that I am actually super just have to squint a bit to see it clearly!!

I am OCD about my is a dry erase one on which every person in my house has a color, for whole family events we just use the third of every month it must be taken down and redone otherwise I start to have panic attacks...I love nothing more than seeing a calender with next to nothing on it...unfortunately in my house that doesn't happen often!

Whenever I am mad at the small people running around my house I send them to their rooms to clean, if rooms are clean their bathroom is my next doesn't matter what the crime, but I am a yeller and sometimes to stop from yelling I need them to disappear for a while...somehow, even though they get in trouble ALOT, their rooms are still almost never clean...effective, yes...

If there is less than a hundred pages in a book I must finish it...this is not up for debate...too bad that people in my house might be hungry, we have somewhere to be, it is time for our favorite show...I am reading!

I will make an entire pot of coffee to only drink one or two cups...and I am not talking the cheap stuff...hubby bought me the plan where Barnie's sends me fresh beans every month...I am the only person that drinks coffee in my house but it just tastes better with a full pot...I am sure that is purely psychological however it works for me! And I am sure hubby would like me to add..I then only drink half cups of coffee and leave the cup in various places around the house...he thinks strategically placed to annoy him...he HATES coffee...really I am just lazy and once the coffee gets cold it just sits!!!

"I am a gum chewer mainly"...if I have left my house I have put a piece of gum in my mouth, simple as is obnoxious and I can still hear my stepfather yelling at me to stop chewing like a cow...but I can't help it...and when I am at the store I with hunt out new flavors...on a normal trip to the store I buy at least two, maybe three is so bad hubby actually buys me gum for Christmas!! Yes...he is my enabler!! I had a friend growing up and her mom was always chewing gum and was always willing to share...she was so see maybe I will be the COOL mom!!!!

So now you know a bit more about lil ol me...I am sure there are a hundred more but those, my friends, are ones I am willing to share!!! If anyone would like to play along feel know you are all really freaks inside you just have to admit it!!!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Now for something a bit more mellow...

Let the nostalgia continue....

Okay I am offically stuck in 1995...

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

And just cause...

I loved this song!!!!!

You know you liked it.... as summer is enivitably coming to a close I am thinking about my summers back in the day...found myself thinking about one of my favorite "Summertime" songs...awww...old school.....

Ummm...I love Will Smith!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Happy Birthday to....all of us.....

It's been a LONG week...seems like I get less done with the girls home...I actually enjoy time with them was so limited over the past's nice to be able to make up for it just even a little bit.

Anyhow...our week started with celebrating my youngest, my baby, turning into a full fledged preschooler...I was SO not ready!! I can't believe it has been four years since my littlest joined our family...time has reminds me I have limited time with my girls and I should make the best of what time I have. She is such a third child...adventurous, full of energy, hard to contain...she is also beautiful, brilliant, difficult and oh so loving. She is the one that from day one I was afraid I wouldn't have her as long as I should...maybe I shouldn't write that...but her spirit is SO bright I am always afraid it will burn out before I think it should. I love her so deeply it hurts sometimes!

Next was my bday...I didn't want to do much for my bady...eating at my favorite restaurant for dinner and to be left alone to read all day...literally ALL day. Miss Sassy was very confused about this...she is not a reader...she came into my room about 2pm and asked "aren't you going to stop reading and get out of bed?" NOPE! I got through two books in the Queen of Babble was such a nice birthday. As a bonus our pool finished filling up and the guy came to put in all the chemicals to make it swimmable(is that a word?)!!! I complained endlessly about my pool construction...but really I was just bitching to bitch...they only took 8 weeks and it is AMAZING!!

The day after my bday was my Grandmother's...she passed away almost four years ago...I thought I was ready to blog about her but that is really gonna have to wait for another day...she is too special not to take the time to word it all right. However the older girls and I spent the day shopping and spending money...Grandmother would have been pleased knowing her great granddaughters were being spoiled on her bday.

Yesterday would have been my brother-in-laws bday...he would have been 40...we all miss him so badly as well. My kids have had to learn too early in life that it is all temporary...we are here for a limited time...we should make the best of it and be grateful for everyday...even when the days are too painful to imagine.

And the rest of our week has been revolving around our new toy...the pool! I have already found that it can be a very useful tool, motivator, to get the small children to do as they are asked. It's GREAT!!!