So today was mildly more productive despite catching a cold from my youngest. I wonder why they call it "catching a cold"? There is not catching involved, she didn't throw it to me, I gave her a kiss goodnight, hmm. Sorry, I digress.
I was thinking today about the newspaper from my senior year in which they declared I would sell my life story to Soap Opera Digest, in that newspaper was also our senior wills. Did any of your schools have these? We were an odd school, maybe it was just us. Anyhow, the gist was that senior lefts things, material and idological, to others, it was written in the school newspaper. So I am a dork and I still have mine. I went back and browsed through and was amused by some of the things left to me: happiness, antiseptic for life's little cuts and social stability. Well then...huh. What exactly does this say about ones' self? We like to think that we grow as individuals in the many years after high school (12 and counting), I am afraid that may not be the case for me. I pride myself on the fact that circumstances in my life have not changed me, I have not become someone I was not, I have not slipped into the dark abyss of changing to meet others needs, although I know I have come DAMN close. I am beginning to wonder if this is a good thing that I have clung so tightly to my sense of being.
Social stability, who would say something like that you ask, my best friend...and yes, still my best friend to this day, back to the clinging to things, not changing, apparently it's a theme. Again what does this say about me? The fact that the person closest to me felt that I was lacking in the ability to maintain social realtionships. Sadly he would probably say the same today. I told you before I am not a nice person, I am not mean, I just put up with very little, life is too short. I am blessed to not have to work, I get to stay home with my kids, and as one of my friends likes to say, yes I do have friends, "I do not get paid, I do not have to deal with any of you people." I don't think of this as a bad thing.
So now comes my moment of clarity.....I am okay with all of it, I question it some days - if the people that have it all together and have a million friends are doing the "right" thing. I just think it's right for them. Leave me with my snide comments and my sarcasm, I am happy here and I am good with it!
I was thinking today about the newspaper from my senior year in which they declared I would sell my life story to Soap Opera Digest, in that newspaper was also our senior wills. Did any of your schools have these? We were an odd school, maybe it was just us. Anyhow, the gist was that senior lefts things, material and idological, to others, it was written in the school newspaper. So I am a dork and I still have mine. I went back and browsed through and was amused by some of the things left to me: happiness, antiseptic for life's little cuts and social stability. Well then...huh. What exactly does this say about ones' self? We like to think that we grow as individuals in the many years after high school (12 and counting), I am afraid that may not be the case for me. I pride myself on the fact that circumstances in my life have not changed me, I have not become someone I was not, I have not slipped into the dark abyss of changing to meet others needs, although I know I have come DAMN close. I am beginning to wonder if this is a good thing that I have clung so tightly to my sense of being.
Social stability, who would say something like that you ask, my best friend...and yes, still my best friend to this day, back to the clinging to things, not changing, apparently it's a theme. Again what does this say about me? The fact that the person closest to me felt that I was lacking in the ability to maintain social realtionships. Sadly he would probably say the same today. I told you before I am not a nice person, I am not mean, I just put up with very little, life is too short. I am blessed to not have to work, I get to stay home with my kids, and as one of my friends likes to say, yes I do have friends, "I do not get paid, I do not have to deal with any of you people." I don't think of this as a bad thing.
So now comes my moment of clarity.....I am okay with all of it, I question it some days - if the people that have it all together and have a million friends are doing the "right" thing. I just think it's right for them. Leave me with my snide comments and my sarcasm, I am happy here and I am good with it!
1 comment:
Alas, part of this clarity of thought comes with becoming someone in their 30s! I feel as though the older I get the less patience I have for others, be my friend or don't I don't have the time or energy to "make" you like me. And I'd rather have a few very loyal friends (yes I'm looking at you DRAMA!) than a bunch of fake ass crazies who say they are my BFF to my face while stabbing me in the back!
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