Judgement Day

Upon the direction of my friend Karen I went and read a blog today, I had stopped in before but today I read the whole back story, and in return I made a self realization....now I am feeling the need to write it down. I am one of those people that needs to write it down, it makes all the crap swirling around in my head come together with some coherence.

Somehow over the past three years I have become afraid of judgement....there it is....my huge realization.....

Now, in honesty I knew this somewhere in the back of my brain, but after reading this man's blog about his journey to happiness, not a sappy love story for those clicking over, the light bulb in my head that had been flickering for days went off like a 300watt light bulb.

I have surrounded myself with people that do a whole lot judging for the last few years and as much as I hate to admit it, a little bit has rubbed off, I hate myself for that! I have always had high expectations and in general get annoyed easily with people but judging was never my thing.

It is the judgement of some of these people that keeps me from being as honest here, and in daily life, as I am in my head. I am afraid of how it will affect me, my kids, the way people look at me. UGH!!! I have never really given a shit, what is up with me??????????? I know this is what my hubby has been saying to me for quite a while, sometimes you just gotta get there yourself!

So here it is....judge if you want...I am not a nice person a lot of the time...I don't really enjoy that many people....I get annoyed - ALOT...I cuss like a sailor, and yes, even in front of my kids, I do have a limit when it comes to being around other kids...I am a religious person but my faith remains shaken most days...I have no patience for people that can't get their shit together...I think women in general are catty and unsupportive of each other, it is better to be alone than to deal with their bull shit...I am a cynic...I am a hypocrite more often than I would like...I invite drama into my life and don't always take ownership of it....I listen to loud angry music, my three year old sings along...I yell WAY too much...I ignore my household chores - everyday...sometimes life is just too hard...I give too much of myself away and don't give enough to my family...my expectations are too high and I really don't want to lower them...I am okay that some people hate me but the fact that they talk shit about me makes me want to scream and some days possibly impale them....again, did I mention I am not a nice person a lot of the time...I am too honest....I forget to keep my mouth shut at times...I am too trusting...I am aware that I am complex and I don't desire for others to get me...I have to get burned to really learn my lesson...some days I wish I didn't have to be responsible for others...this list will continue much longer than I am willing to sit here and type...I am aware of how this list makes me look and I still want to publish it because it is who I am, maybe I should keep it to myself but I guess maybe it's time to be real. I do alot of good for alot of people and sometimes that is hard to see when I look at the real me...in truth I am a very loving person that takes life too seriously most of the time....I am working on it!

Ouch....was that as painful for you as it was for me.....?

"Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye." Matthew 7:1-5