I think...well, maybe....

I suddenly find myself in a blogging mood...had one all ready to go and now I changed my mind...well, that has now become the point of this one. If my first name is DRAMA my middle name has to be INDECISIVE!!!

This is an affliction that has effected me for a long time, it is a large complaint of my husband's. Don't get me wrong I am great at the day to day stuff. I make the dinners choices, what the girls will wear to school (sometimes this is unsolicted..refer to "Did you...?" blog, you will understand why), etc. My problem lies in other areas....for example...restaurants....I just can't decide, unless I am really in the mood for CPK, then discussion is over! I figure I make the dinner choices all the time, I should get to bail on this one, this normally ends in a frustrating converstation in the car with a "fine, we will just go (fill in the blank with the restaurant we are currently closest to)." After 12 years one would think I would just learn to make the choice to avoid this scenario, however I am sure by the end of this weekend it will have taken place again.

Then come the real kind of indecisive issues....most of my friends know this about me....in certain aspects of my life I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Primarily in regards to my house....UGH!!! See in the 12 years I have been with my hubby we have lived together in at least 9 places, no we are not a military family, my hubby has worked for the same company for 7 years and we have lived in our house for 5 years. This all sounds nice and stable...but because of our early years moving around I am always afraid of the next big move. So as a result we have lived in the same place for five years and I can't make a decision in the house without the internal conversation about how it would effect the resale value, or what happens when we decide to more. I have now put of getting a pool for four years...at this point I am going put the damn thing in and we WILL move!! See my husband gets this about me, it makes him insane though. Last summer he gave me an ultimatium build a pool or move to another house that has a pool, I guess he wants a pool. Well seeing as it is now March and not a single pool contractor has walked onto my property I guess I showed him! Except then he did the unexpected, he gave up....said for me to change everything else I wanted to in the house, damnit, now I want the freaking pool! Reverse Psychology, it's a bitch!

Maybe I will start calling around, get some quotes, maybe.....

Rebuilding....

Too much of my time lately has been spent dealing with irritations that I have focused too much energy on, I have dwelt too long, let things seep too deeply into my veins, thought about things too much...considering it's all supposed to be irrelevant.

Today I am rebuilding walls....see I let my walls be torn down in the name of friendship, or so I thought. Have you ever met someone, knew that you weren't likely to be friends but then because of circumstances proceeded anyways? I did...not with nearly enough caution. And the problem is I have done it multiple times, every time ending with me kicking myself in the ass. Then there are the friendships where things were good and something went terribly awry. Those are the ones that hurt the most....the ones that you want to fix but sometimes just can't. And there is always the friendships that you desire but they have yet to come together. See, too much thought....

Anyhow, I proceeded, I let people in, I wish I could take it back. I don't trust easily and now that my trust has been squashed, stomped on, spit all over and handed back to me in a brown paper bag, I am pissed! Pissed at myself mainly, I let the walls be torn down, what was I thinking, that little pit in my stomach told me better, I wanted to be wrong. So today I find myself with a decision to make...continue to let it irritate me and eat away at my stomach or say FUCK IT, time to move on....I am choosing option #2. I am writing all this down as a affirmation to myself that I made a choice, picked a path, time to follow it. Be clear, I am writing this not to open a can of worms with anyone out there but rather I am closing it and burying the can....I am finished, too much of my life has been consumed by meaningless crap and worrying about what people that are not a part of my life think about me....done. Not to say that I won't get irritated, that is just part of my nature, but as of now it will not be part of who I am....it's just taking up too much space....space that is needed for the important things in life...like my family!

To be Honest....

I am holding it together....by a thread.....it's been a long week, for that matter a long month. As much as I enjoy hiding behind all my snide comments and sarcasm I'm at breaking point today. I am tired of trying to be nice to people who hate me, I am tired of trying to right any wrong I may or may not have done, I tired of people talking shit behind my back, mostly I am tired of censoring myself on my own blog....I am done with it!

Take it for what it's worth people...I'm having a shitty day! Thanks for tuning in.

Flaws...

I am a person of many flaws, I accept and embrace them most days. Today I am thinking about one flaw that I am not so proud of....I SUCK at maintaining friendships!

I am blessed to have friends that understand this about me for the most part and they are good with it, or at least pretend to be. I don't call, I don't email, I am ALWAYS late with presents...so one would ask...why be my friend? Well I am a loyal to a fault, I am there when truly needed and I really do love those close to me.

I bring this up because it was brought to my attention in two different forms this week. I will start with the one from today...I received a message on my myspace from a newer friend, one that I do enjoy, married to my best friend, who happens to be of the male gender. See she wrote me a month ago....I still haven't written back...yes, I know I should be doing that instead of writing this but that is the point. The response is one that requires time, energy and quiet...none of those things happen often in my house, they are truly rare moments. It's not that I don't want to write back, but this is a new friendship, I am not sure if I can make room for a new friendship right now...how do I say that? How do I tell someone that wants to be my friend that I can't keep up with the ones I have? This, this blog, is how I am currently doing that, if you want to know what is going on in my life...read my blog, how sad is it that I can only find time to talk to friends in mass now!

Second incident is a bit more telling....I have a friend, a VERY good friend, she lives 45 minutes away, I see her about 2-3 times a year. The last time I saw her was the first of December at her house. While there my child lost her shoes, yes, she has a huge house! Anyways, just before Christmas she found the shoes, left me a message telling me. I had every intention of calling her back, my intentions are always good. Needless to say I didn't. It is now the first of March...I look out my window, DHL truck, don't see them too much here, no doorbell, must not have been for me. Hubby went out an hour later, there was a package on my doorstep, I look at the sender, it was my friend, what could she have possibly sent me? It's like Christmas only late....aw, yes, that's right, THE SHOES.....no note, just the shoes, message received, I SUCK!!! And just as my life goes things only got funnier in the fact that the shoes no longer fit the small child that lost them!

It was my resolution this year to make more time for the people that matter, yet here it is March and I have spent more time dealing with irrelevant people and irrelevant circumstances, getting frustrated instead of relaxing with the ones that I truly want to spend my days with! As I have said before the first step is acknowledgement....where do I go from here? Perhaps off to write that letter and call my friend to let her know...shoes and message both received!

Oh....My Head Hurts....It Just....Hurts......

Who knew?

Today I am finding it hard to blog, normally I am blogging out of frustration, see that is the point of some blogs, mine in particular. Yesterday I had tons to blog about...tons, then my husband hijacked my computer, note that he has two in his office that work just fine, mine however was more convenient for his purposes. So now I find myself trying to refresh my memory!

We will start with my very LONG weekend. It was competition weekend again. I dreaded it all week, waiting for the drama to unfold as we arrived at the show. If you have read my blog at all you will know that part of my blog's point also is to answer the question that plagues me on a daily basis, how much drama do I create in my life and how much just appears, like a little leech, sucking me dry. I was prepared to be bloodless from the leech that would surely suck me dry at this event!

Guess what.....nothing, that's right folks, nothing!! It was fun, the kids did awesome! I remained drama free, minus pulling half of my daughter's hair out trying to put it in braided buns, I don't do well with hair under pressure, not my speciality! My hubby did drive home the 26', yes I did say 26 foot, prop truck, but that was his choosing, he was trying to be the nice guy and help out the team! Our director even won a cruise, yup, a cruise, because the kids danced so well, to his choreography of course, which is amazing!

We stayed with family which I figured for sure would cause some chaos, but again NOTHING! It was great, we all enjoyed each other, it was relaxing! Huh, go figure! Who knew I would actually start having fun at these things!!!

I guess it's like they say a watched pot never boils.....ah....but then hell, what am I suppose to complain about!!

Random thought....

Blame. Blame is a strong word, before one starts throwing around such a word one should remember the saying...those that live in glass houses should beware of casting stones!

Just the random thought for the day!